Although this is a tremendously exciting day for the United States, for the future of the country under Barack Obama, and for the future of the U.S. Supreme Court, it is a sad day for the principle of equality under the law, with the apparent passage of Prop 8 in California and anti-gay measures in Arizona, Florida and Arkansas.  However, proponents of Prop 8 have nothing to be proud about, and opponents should not lose heart.  Please keep in mind these points:

  1. BulletThe 18,000 couples who have married in California since June remain married.  The proposition was not retroactive and, if necessary, the courts will reaffirm this.

  2. BulletWe are married, and we will always refer to ourselves as married.  That is a free-speech right no one can take away.

  3. BulletCouples who have entered into marriage since June were pronounced “spouses for life” in good faith under the laws and constitution of California in force at the time, as duly considered and adjudicated by the State Supreme Court.  There is no basis for invalidating either the “spouses” or “for life” part of those declarations.  Further, because gender has not been indicated on marriage licenses performed since June, the State has no way of distinguishing same-gender couples from opposite-gender married couples.

  4. BulletI am a teacher.  When my students ask (and they do) whether I am married, my response is, and will continue to be, “Yes, my husband’s name is Doug.”

  5. BulletThe Yes on 8 campaign was built on lies, fear, misinformation and, yes, anti-gay prejudice and bigotry.  They took rights away.  They are not victims, but persecutors.

  6. BulletThe marriages and lives of Yes on 8 supporters are not changed by its passage—nor would they have changed if it had been defeated.  Yet they have introduced uncertainty, sadness and anger into thousands of homes.

  7. BulletSupporters of Prop 8 who have gay and lesbian kids who have not yet come out to them have created a hostile environment for their own children.  They have told these children to hide who they are and who they love.  They have taken away their own children’s rights.  They have potentially damaged their own familial relationships.  Who will protect their children?

  8. BulletThe issue will return to the ballot, and we will win.  Voters--particularly younger Californians--will see the inequality of a situation where some couples are allowed to be married and others are not.   This error will be corrected.

  9. BulletIt is now imperative that gay marriage be taught in schools for the following reasons:

  10. BulletIt is part of California’s history that cannot be erased;

  11. BulletOur children will meet and know legally married gay couples in California for the rest of their lives;

  12. BulletThey must be taught that constitutions can be changed and the rights they think they have are not guaranteed.  

  13. BulletLGBT youth (a group at high risk of suicide) must be taught about domestic partnerships, so that they understand that they can legally protect their relationship, if the person that they one day love happens to be of the same gender;

  14. BulletThey must learn (particularly if they find themselves in intolerant households) that there are states like Massachusetts and Connecticut where gay people can marry, states where their rights are protected by the constitution and the courts.

  15. BulletConnecticut will start performing marriages on November 12.  On November 4, Connecticut voters rejected a proposal to hold a constitutional convention, where eliminating gay marriage might have been entertained.  This means that Connecticut’s law will stand and, as in Massachusetts, marriage will continue to be available to same-gender couples from all states.

This message describes what California’s Proposition 8 means to us personally, and why we felt it important that everyone vote no.  Please feel free to link to it or forward it to other people you know.  Proponents of this initiative built a campaign on lies and fear that did not acknowledge how a yes vote would affect real people.  It remains important to spread the message to as many people as possible about what marriage equality represents to us, and why that right must be restored for everyone.

In August of 1983, a little more than 11 months after we met in Berkeley, California, Doug and I made our declarations and our commitment to be each other’s partner for life.  We proposed to each other (and, obviously, accepted).  It was a private moment—and as real, serious, and moving as any public commitment we have made since. 


At that point, marriage for gay Americans was not yet even imagined.  That didn’t matter to us.  We knew what our model was—the love and commitment we saw between our own parents and in our own families.  We knew what our commitment meant.  Our commitment is part of the culture in which we grew up, and of which we ourselves are a part.  Call it what you will: a culture of family, a culture of respect, a culture of American principles at their best.  But it is a culture with which we are both very familiar.  And the road from that day to our actually marrying in June 2008 was a long one:


• In 1994, at the Lesbian and Gay March on Washington, we participated in a symbolic wedding in front of the Treasury Building, where it became evident that the possibility of legal marriage meant a lot to many, many people. 

This past May, when California’s (Republican-dominated) Supreme Court finally determined that gay people were entitled to equal treatment under the law, we knew immediately that we would marry and—having already had a big ceremony—we knew that this time we would do it on the first day.  We also knew that we would ask Gianpiero’s parents, who live in Southern California, to serve as our witnesses, to honor their own exemplary marriage.


On June 17, 2008, we married.  It was a spectacular and moving day.  In addition to Gianpiero’s parents, we were joined by his brother and sister (Doug’s family lives on the east coast).  Under an arbor in the park just a few blocks from home, we again wrote and spoke vows of commitment and were pronounced spouses for life under the laws of California.  On that first day in West Hollywood alone, nearly 300 licenses were issued and 200 separate ceremonies were performed.  Each couple was, in its way, unique.  Each pair had its own story of what brought them to stand in line to make the most profound declaration of love and commitment possible.

Why is marriage important?  Because it is equality.  It is the full equality of being able to marry the person we love, just as our parents and siblings have done.  It is the recognition in 2008 of the lifetime commitment we made in 1983.  It is the principle of equality catching up—after a long, long time—to the reality that has existed for us, and for so many couples, for decades.


We are not “redefining” marriage.  Rather, by marrying, we are honoring and carrying forward the tradition and example set for us by our parents and society.  If that isn’t a family value, then we couldn’t say what is.


Since June, we have seen many couples get married, and have more weddings on the calendar.  Many of these couples have, like us, been together for decades.  All of them—without exception—have said that being married feels different, even beyond what most of us ever expected, even after so much time.  What is different?  It is the feeling of equality under the law that we have never felt and, at the beginning, never imagined.


In these first months, most of the people we have seen get married have been (like us) a loosely defined (ahem) middle age.  But equality under the law is not something for which people should have to wait half a lifetime.  It should not be something that we tell our younger friends, neighbors and relatives that gay people once had “back in ’08.”  Equality should remain; equality should be ongoing.  We must not write discrimination into California’s constitution.  We must maintain the option of marriage for young couples who, today, are the age we were in 1983.  We must preserve it for for the people who come out five and ten years from now and for the people who maybe met last month, whose new friendships will someday evolve into love, partnership, and commitment. 

With Prop 8’s passage, there is no single supporter whose happiness would remotely equal the heartbreak and disappointment of the 18,000 couples who have wed in California and the many, many more who hope to do so one day.  Having strangers vote on your own marriage is an offensive and frustrating experience.  Now, there is a strong argument that marriages performed before election day will continue to be legal, but it’s something that will have to be tested and litigated. The proposition is not explicitly retroactive, and we have never had a tradition about putting people’s marriages up for popular vote.  As far as we’re concerned, we will always be and feel married, and we will always refer to ourselves as such.  We will not allow any proposition or constitutional amendment to change that now.  To restrict what we call ourselves would take a change to the First Amendment—and how likely is that to happen?

Imagine the young person in California who comes out as gay or lesbian next year.  What will we tell that person?  That gays were equal once upon a time but now are not?  That they could once marry but now can’t?  What kind of message of hope and opportunity does victory for Prop 8 really send? 


Constitutions should not be modified to eliminate rights or reduce equality—and that’s exactly what Prop 8 has done.  If you don’t live in California, thank you for reading our story, and please send this message to someone you know. 


Please stand up for the right of Californians to marry the person with whom they are in love—or with that great love whom they have yet to meet.  People willing to take on the responsibilities of a lifetime commitment should not have to have four ceremonies over 20 years in order to make it stick.  Please help retain the California’s constitution’s existing guarantee of equality.  Preserve that opportunity to take a step—marriage—to which our commitment back in 1983 naturally led us.


1983: Stanford, Calif.

Gianpiero (l) and Doug (r)

1988: Claremont, Calif.

1994: Washington, DC

2000: Essex Junction, VT

2008: West Hollywood CA

A Family Affair

We are writing this in the hope and belief that telling the stories of real families that would be affected by Proposition 8 will help to defeat it.  You are welcome and encouraged to forward this if you think it may help.

Wedding Day

6/17/08

Thank you!


Gianpiero & Doug

• In 1988, we had a large ceremony before our family and friends.  We sent invitations, rented tuxes, hired a caterer and all of that dressing—and, naturally, with vows that we wrote, we solemnly reaffirmed our commitment.


• In 2000, Vermont became the first state in the country to officiate civil unions. Doug is from Vermont, and we held a ceremony—again with our parents and family on hand—officiated by one of the state legislators who helped approve the law. 


• Earlier that same year, we had registered as California domestic partners under our state’s new law, the scope of which later expanded considerably to be nearly—but not quite—equal to marriage.  We are proud of all these steps, and we would do them again.


Marriage is also important for the clarity it provides to others.  When you tell someone that you are married in our society, it tells them without ambiguity that you intend to support each other and face life together as a team—a family—forever.

Proponents ignored the fact that this is a measure about love, family and commitment (because who would vote against that?) and have attempted to claim it is about schools.  It is not.  If anything, defeat of Prop 8 will support children—those being raised by gay or lesbian parents who are now married, as well as all children who will grow up in a state with equality guaranteed.

Celebrating the Journey

(Because it really isn’t true that we only wear white shirts with ties)

All Californians have (and will have, regardless of the vote) married neighbors and co-workers (and judges and doctors and teachers and aerospace engineers) of the same gender.  The state has not collapsed since June and no one’s marriage has been affected on our account.  And the gay families won’t magically disappear—we will still be here, still be gay, and still be families.   With the proposition in place, and gay people no longer able to marry, the resulting inequality in the law will be evident and painful for everyone.

Spouses for life